Tia Deby: Sense & Social-ability....

A milonga is a social event.  It is where we go to dance, to enjoy our friends.  A practica is where we go to practice tango, and a class is where we go to learn to dance tango.  Why is it that some people don’t get it?  I realize outside of Buenos Aires, a milonga and a practica are sometimes the same, but how can anyone confuse a class with a milonga?

You know exactly what I mean.  It has happened to all of us.  You are dancing with someone and all of a sudden, the lesson starts.  “You need to move your foot just a little more this way.” Or “I want to show you a better way to do that step.”  When we were beginners we loved it.  But as we advance as dancers we don’t want that dance lesson, we just want to dance.

It is rude to give unsolicited advice. This goes for on and off the dance floor. (Try and remember that.) Adults do not like to be told what to do.  So why on earth does someone think they have the right to tell you how to dance?  Ladies, that goes for you too.  I see you reading this and wagging those fingers at the men, but you do it too.  I know, because the men tell me you do.

If you don’t like how the guy or gal is dancing, then simply don’t dance with them again. It is real simple.  As someone who has taught, I know what the errors are of someone I am dancing with, but I resist the urge to correct.  When I am dancing with students I never corrected them in the milonga because it is not the place.  I simply enjoy the dance for what it is.

What do you do when someone wants to correct you?  You should be direct and tell them “Please, I do not want a lesson while I am dancing.”  I had another friend who would say “I don’t do verbal leads.”  If they continue, then simply agree to end the dance.  Your invitation was to dance, not for a lesson.

There is a fine line between advice and comfort.  I remember once asking a man if he could please lower his left arm down to my eye line.  He had it way up high and dramatic.  He proceeded to lecture me about a class he had just taken.  I told him that was fine, but I as the woman was uncomfortable with my arm way up in the sky and could not dance that way.  He then again began to quote his teacher – a name brand. I told him fine, go dance with him and walked off the floor. 

In the above instance I was asking the man to please adjust so that I would be more comfortable.  I was not criticizing him.  You should always be comfortable in your dance. This was a little thing the man could have done.  Instead he gave me a lecture about why the arm needed to be that way.   

We all know who the perennial lesson givers are in our communities.  They are not going to change.  They have a need to give advice.  My advice to you, is don’t dance with them if you don’t want a lesson, no matter how much you love that tanda.

® Deby Novitz 2008TangoSpam all rights reserved. No parts of this may be reproduced without permission of the author

Deby Novitz' blog can be found at
http://tangospam.typepad.com/tangospam_la_vida_con_deb/

Comments

[Joe Hudson]

Hello,

I just found your blog from Arlene’s London Tango Pages. Nice post. I quite agree about how much of a mood killer those uninvited lessons are. (I also really like the comment 3 above about depth of tango being often indicative of possible depth of following conversation - even with a beginner, there is a certain way of listening).

I've found there is though a certain way of being taught in the milonga that works wonderfully. There is no talking and no interruption to the flow of the dance. It is simply a firm clarity in keeping the integrity and comport of ones own posture and frame, while continuing to express the energy in the music. When I've begun a dance with such a follower and a bad habit of posture or tension has crept in and they have responded in this way, I really learn - 'ah, where is this unusual resistance coming from? oh I see, she is insisting on keeping her left elbow by her side, her shoulder down, and my shoulder is needlessly tense. relax. ah, much better!'. Then the dance rises to a higher level and I'm very happy. I feel my tango has improved a heck of a lot from such dances, because I see what a massive and immediate improvement making those small changes make. Of course it takes both people to be listening and sensitive to the other!

How does this work the other way around? Taking the example of where there is a lack of force or feedback in some part of the embrace from the follower, it seems to be possible to subtly draw attention to that and gently encourage more of the quality you'd like, again just by keeping a stable and comfortable frame and just testing every now and then for that feedback, maybe rewarding it with a smile. Again, no words, no interruption of the flow. Basically, teaching by gentle, silent embodied example.

[happyseaurchin]

nicely put
and i agree
though i am guilty of discussion
1
after the first dance
if i can not find my partner
her attention
i ask her if there is anything i can do
2
people are "taught" in lessons
and then they try to "apply" what they have learned in the milonga
regardless
very often
with whom they are dancing...
which is to say
it is very rare to actually experience tango
because students are stuffed full of lessons
3
the depth of the tango on the dancefloor
indicates to me at least
the potential depth of a conversation afterwards

be well!